OTTAWA – A recent amendment to Canadian content laws has set a minimum quota for the celebrity partners of former Canadian Prime Ministers, requiring at least 55% of pop stars dated by retired P...
“We see a future where intelligence is a utility, and people buy it from us” says Sam Altman from skull-shaped volcano lair
EVIL LAIR, SOUTH PACIFIC – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has suggested that intelligence could someday be treated as a utility, with people paying him directly to access materials stolen from them en ma...
B4-4, Sugar Jones, Serial Joe announce withdrawal from Trump’s Freedom 250 Celebration
WASHINGTON D.C. – After facing cancellations from numerous d-list musicians, organizers of the Trump-aligned Freedom 250 Celebration have reportedly also seen withdrawals from similarly obscure ...
Loblaws bread-fixing settlement worth approximately 1/3 of grocery trip
TORONTO – Loblaws is “stepping up to the cost of living plate” by offering a one-time court ordered payment worth approximately 33% of a typical grocery trip. “Everyday I hear Canadians tell me how ha...
Carney to replace Steven Guilbeault’s seat with burning tailings pond
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has absorbed the resignation from Parliament by climate activist Steven Guilbeault, immediately announcing that his seat would be replaced with a tar sands ta...
Boomer Dad loses Asian restaurant privileges
BARRIE, ON – After decades of refusal to comply with his family’s requests, local dad, Chris White, 77, has finally lost his Asian restaurant privileges. The decision was finalized after an argument b...
Tim Hortons to reduce Temporary Foreign Worker hiring once they figure out how to treat Canadians like serfs
TORONTO – Facing backlash for alleged abuse of the TFW program during record unemployment, coffee chain Tim Hortons has vowed to reduce foreign hiring just as soon as they find a legal means to ...
Man claims Canadian first amendment rights infringed when people refuse to listen to his opinion
REGINA – Aspiring social media political influencer Brandon Andreychuk is claiming censorship after his talk at the University of Regina was canceled by what he calls “out of control leftist stu...
President misses own son’s wedding due to high-level not wanting to go
WASHINGTON D.C. – The President of the United States will be forced to miss the second wedding of his eldest son this weekend, due to a top secret executive branch-level not giving a shit. ̶...
AI tech mogul confused why expendable human capital booing him during commencement address
COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specificall...
