NEW YORK – With a recall issued for Taylor Farms lettuce in the wake of a cyclospora outbreak, several new betting lines have opened up in the online predictions market Polymarket as to which line of contaminated produce will be the next to evade health inspections and trigger the next epidemic of infectious diarrhea.
“I want a consistent return, so I’m betting on the biggest crops with the highest odds – rice, potatoes, corn, stuff people can still afford, at least for now,” remarked Polymarket user James Crondell, 29.
“I’ve seen the colour of gold, and that colour is lime-green-brown sludge pouring out of everyone’s buttholes,” Crondell enthused.
Meanwhile, other Polymarket gamblers took a more speculative approach. “I’m betting it all on avocados,” said Amar Abass, 34. “They’re pretty expensive now, so the odds are low right now, but that means I’ll just win more when it happens, and you know young people, they can’t get enough of avocados!”
Marvin Blanks, 25, simply remarked, “Whenever I see RFK Jr mention a drug, or vegetable, or type of meat, I put all my savings on that. Hasn’t failed me since.”
Other betting lines involve what the resulting infections do to the affected peoples, such as whether the resulting diarrhea is more green or brownish in hue, whether it’s accompanied by nausea and vomiting, and the mortality rate of those infected.
Users on the Polymarket subreddit, r/polymarket have taken to jokingly referring to their predictions by evocative titles such as “Shitty Squash,” “Run Runs Rhubarb,” “Montezuma’s Red Cabbage,” and “Potato Blight 2: Electric Boogaloo.”
Not long after the market lines opened up, it was found that hundreds of new accounts all registered in the DC Metropolitan area within the same forty-eight hour period all started making numerous bets toward contaminated beef following reports that large quantities of unsold meat would be imported from Argentina.
When asked about the activity on Polymarket, a White House official responded, “These are simply grassroots measures being taken to recoup losses in the market resulting from repeated coronaparties.”
