TORONTO – Following the Lisa Laflamme “Hair-gate” scandal, CTV News has announced a groundbreaking programming initiative to revamp their flagging national reputation as a leading source of…
Local
Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
OTTAWA – Local woman Marlene Kovach has decided to wait to return all her calls until she can do so in the middle of a bus full of other people. “Sure I could call my mom when I get h…
Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
Toronto – In a democratic exercise set to take place later this month, voters in Toronto-St Pauls, centered around one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods in Forest Hill, will elect a new MP to…
See you later! Neurodivergent friend discovers crocheting
KINGSTON, ON – Friends of Kaitlin Barr, a 27-year-old neurodivergent copy editor, have recently said their goodbyes after Barr discovered a new hobby, and hyperfixation, of crocheting. “Thi…
Canadian man reading date never knows which is day and which is month unless day is above 12
KITCHENER – Local man Dalton Strickland, whose data entry job regularly requires him to read dates off a form and put them into a computer, literally never knows which date is the day and w…
Man with dedicated folder for ‘back of the head’ selfies definitely not balding
KINGSTON, ON – Local man Mitch Thompson insists that his meticulously curated collection of back-of-the-head selfies has, in fact, nothing to do with any alleged thinning around the crown a…
Nation’s cyclists mortified after learning that stop signs and red lights apply to them too
OTTAWA – Cyclists across the country expressed their deepest apologies today after learning that they weren’t actually allowed to run every red light and stop sign they come across. &…
Fuck! Group of teens just noticed you
EDMONTON – In truly alarming news it appears that a group of 8 teenagers at the mall is looking at you, a fully adult man with kids, a mortgage and a Costco membership. “Stay cool, st…
White kid’s name spelled normally
OAKVILLE – Residents are expressing concern, as it was discovered today that a local white child’s name leverages a traditional spelling. Private and public citizens alike were aghast when …
“Where am I? What year is it?” asks man who just woke up from 30 minute nap
MONTREAL – A confused and deleterious Martin Hastings was demanding people advise him where and when he was after being unconscious for a full half an hour. “We’re sharing a hotel room whil…