New horror movie somehow not a metaphor for trauma
BRANDON, MB – Scary movie enthusiasts are stunned after discovering that a recent popular horror film is in no way an allegory for grief, PTSD, or intergenerational trauma. The 2025 film, N…
World agrees to make up awards for Donald Trump to win every time he stops a war
“The annual Awesome Guy With Big Dick And Normal Hair Award goes to…Donald Trump!” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Nile Seguin and Craig Fay) discuss the reasons to be opti…
“Restore merit, end DEI” says man who could only get elected in Canada’s safest Conservative stronghold
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has launched a petition to “end DEI programs and restore merit”, just months after losing his own heavily-favoured seat before runn…
TTC announces subway closure due to ‘not feeling it today’
TORONTO – This week the TTC announced via social media that all subway lines will be closed today due to subway workers ‘just not feeling it.’ The statement written by TTC CEO Mandeep Lali explai…
New sportsbetting app boasts 80% addiction rate
TORONTO – A popular new sportsbetting app, BetDuel Sportsbook & Casino, advertises “all the fun of sportsbetting and casino slots right in your pocket, plus 4 in 5 odds of develo…
Creators of AI-generated actress unsure if coolest part is the creepiness or the stealing
PALO ALTO, CA – The inventors of Tilly Norwood, a computer generated character built using artificial intelligence, enthusiastically insist their creation is both unsettlingly lifeless and …
Inspiring! This elbowless man manages to hold down a full time job as a Prime Minister
Mark Carney may look like just another Canadian Prime Minister. But don’t let that fool you. The most inspiring part of his story isn’t that he went to Harvard, or even that he’s made millions wo…
Pentagon warns Toronto ‘dangerously close’ to winning World Series
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following last night’s elimination of the New York Yankees, the United States Department of War has advised the White House that the Toronto Blue Jays are “per…
Ottawa residents plan 12 month ‘fireworks and honking’ festival outside Freedom Convoy Leaders’ homes
“The fact that our festival runs the exact same length of time as their house arrest sentence is mere coincidence, we assure you.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Megan MacKay and …
PM Carney announces Charter of Rights to be renamed Charter of Optional Ideas
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney held a press conference today to announce a renaming of the “Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms”, the document that enshrined our foundational set o…
