HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a new BBC report accusing actor Jared Leto of sexually assaulting four women when they were underage, the film star has responded by questioning what further actions he could have undertaken to telegraph that he was a notorious sex predator.
“Wait, people are just now finding out about my criminal appetites?” asked Leto during a break from DMing other underage fans of his band 30 Seconds To Mars. “I honestly thought these assaults had been part of the public record for years, and that everyone was just cool with it.”
“Do all you not remember that Air Mail profile in 2025 where nine women accused me? I don’t know how much clearer I could make this,” answered an incredulous Leto.
The star of Dallas Buyers Club and Tron: Ares insisted that he had gone out of his way to regularly remind the public that he is quite obviously a loathsome pervert, as a way of obtaining tacit approval for his remorseless depravity.
Some of Leto’s attempted red flags included luring young fans back to his home on a decommissioned air force base, hosting a yearly retreat on a Croatian island for his self-described “cult”, and not starring in a successful film for well over a decade so as not to distract the public from his crimes.
“Do you think I dress like a homeless Johnny Depp impersonator for fun, or sent used condoms to Viola Davis because I thought it would help me to play cinema’s worst Joker,” asked Leto, shocked that authorities were only just now figuring out his whole deal. “I do these awful things as a warning that I am a very bad man. I am a walking red flag in a scarf. How are people still acting surprised?”
At press time, executives at Warner Bros and Disney has agreed to wait for at least two more sex crime exposes before neglecting to offer Leto his next multi-million dollar on screen role.
