CLARKSVILLE, TN – During a midterm campaign rally, U.S. President Donald Trump thrilled his supporters by ordering them, as well as every other American, to personally mail $20 to Russian President Vladimir Putin to fund his invasion of Ukraine.
“Look, I’m doing everything I can as president to help help Russia conquer Ukraine, including sending them billions of your tax dollars to buy about a dozen barrels of diesel,” Trump rasped to thunderous cheers.
“But Vlad says that isn’t enough, so now I’m telling every man, woman, and child in America to stuff $20 into an envelope and mail it directly to the Kremlin, c/o Putin’s Cayman Islands bank account.”
Across the nation, everyday Americans are reacting to Trump’s $20 demand.
“$20 is a small price to pay for being able to drop the pretense that we were ever on Ukraine’s side,” says Todd Hilms, of San Diego.
“I can rest easy knowing that most of the money I send won’t actually harm any Ukrainians because it’ll be embezzled by the Trump family,” notes Martha Greaves, of Indiana.
“I’m a long haul trucker, so mailing $20 for diesel I’ll never actually receive is easier than the prices I’ve already been paying,” says Marvin Tellman, of Alabama.
In a related story, millions of drums of Canadian diesel are just kinda sitting there.
