WINNIPEG – Sources have confirmed that despite numerous reminders, texts, and assurances that she would be on time, local late friend Farra Vawn is, once again, late. “It’s no big deal, we knew s…
Lifestyle
New glasses feel immense pressure to improve fuckability
HAMILTON, ON — Following their recent arrival, a new pair of tortoiseshell glasses is reportedly buckling under the weight of impossible expectations to make their owner suddenly fuckable. Source…
28-year-old really enjoying early twenties
Miramichi, NB – Navigating adulthood can be challenging, but for 28-year-old Shawn Walker, life in his early twenties couldn’t be better. “I wasn’t sure about this new life stage at first,” said …
Barbershop customer a little worried after seeing huge chunk of ear hit floor
CALGARY – According to sources embedded in downtown barbershop Close Shave, Dennis Elrich is worried his cut hasn’t gone as planned after he spotted a big, sloppy chunk of his right ear hit the f…
Editorial: All I wanted for Christmas is you hitting your performance goals
TORONTO – Hey, thanks for jumping on this call. I’m just going to go ahead and record, if that’s ok, thanks. I wanted to put this 1:1 in your calendar during the awkward three days between…
Horoscope says Mercury will pass through the fifth house before slamming into your house
YOUR HOME – According to local astrologists, the planet Mercury hates your guts and is coming to kill you and everyone you love. “What your friends and family want you to do and what you need to…
Smelly man rebrands himself as savoury man
EDMONTON – Greg Abbott, a formerly smelly man, has decided to describe himself as savoury after many besmirchings of his scent. “Smelly is a childish insult that shouldn’t be used to descr…
Tampax encourages women to channel their rage into bigger, better periods
LOS ANGELES – With Donald Trump’s second presidential term underway, feminine hygiene brand Tampax has unveiled a bold new marketing strategy encouraging women to harness the sense of anger, disb…
Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car
EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 201…
Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream
PICKERING, ON ― A scathing new report released today has found that local 52-year-old Linda Pike’s mid-life crisis is every university student’s dream problem, and that they probably won’t notice…
