OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandem…
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Employees at home working hard at pretending to work
OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work. “I could read these documents that my manager sent t…
Breaking: All the news happening all at once
EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now. “I took a 10 minute shower and when…
Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences
OTTAWA – The Canadian Olympic Committee announced the 2020 Olympic team will be divided into several separate teams based on petty regional differences and long standing disputes between pr…
Alberta Court of Appeal orders climate change to respect provincial boundaries
EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional, the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how e…
OPP: We have exhausted all forms of polite colonialism
TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism. “We graciously asked them to le…
Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired
OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d…
Quebec not going to let some pissant cowboys from Alberta threaten separation like they do
QUEBEC – In response to Alberta’s Buffalo Declaration, Quebec politicians are refusing to allow a bunch of measly Albertan yokels muscle in on their tactic of threatening to separate from t…
“Blockades will accomplish nothing,” says man who accomplishes nothing
TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter, local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet’suwet’en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing. “I don’t …
Aides restrain Trudeau to prevent him resolving Wet’suwet’en blockade with “perfect costume”
OTTAWA — As Wet’suwet’en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight, PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from …