TORONTO – Rogers Communications has announced that with the purchase of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment and all its professional sports teams, the telecom giant has also taken full ownership of everything Ross Meyer, 33, and his father are capable of discussing at length.
This acquisition follows Rogers’ buyout of Bell’s remaining 25% stake in MLSE, making it the sole owner of every major men’s sports team in Toronto and the bulk of anything Meyer and his 66-year-old father Graham seem to have a true emotional connection over.
“Mr. Meyer and his father would rant and rave about the Leafs, the Raptors, even TFC when they were good,” Executive Chair of Rogers Edward S. Rogers III told reporters. “And now with us owning 100% of MLSE, we basically own everything those two care about and show any sense of interpersonal depth towards.”
This move to purchase the only things the Meyers appear capable of expressing their emotions via came after Rogers executives noticed how the Blue Jays loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 2025 World Series affected those two specific men.
“Bear in mind that, since they are both on Rogers phone plans, we’ve been able to harvest ream of data relating to their stiff conversations, inability to discuss (mother and wife) Linda Meyers recent health scare, or anything at all weightier than the Jays’ recently thwarted World Series run,” Rogers explained to reporters.
“And we tracked the way our loss in game 7 destroyed them, all I could think was ‘hey, why don’t I go out there and buy all the other teams that shape their relationship?’ And here we are.”
Asked if he had any plans to make the teams he owned better for the sake of the Meyer’s emotional wellbeing, Rogers said he’ll do his best, adding “if the Jays are playing well, everyone will be happy.”
At press time, Rogers said he had no plans on purchasing the Toronto Tempo or the Specters “unless the Meyers start going to those games.”
