VANCOUVER – Cetologists at the Canadian Institute for Marine Biology Defence have observed an unsettling new trend in the behaviour of killer whales; preparing to attack an airplane and feast on the contents.
“We first became suspicious of the orcas when we noticed them circling parked seaplanes,” said Doctor-General Yumi McLeod. “At first, we thought they were just being curious, friendly murder dolphins, but then it became clear that they were satisfied with just attacking our boats, and now want to prove that no vehicle can protect us from them.”
“We may have entered an evolutionary arms race we cannot win.”
Peter Clarke, a pilot based out of Fort Report, can confirm with his own eyes that the orcas are taking their aggression to new, and frighteningly literal, heights. He’s been telling all pilots who fly close to the sea to be careful, as he narrowly escaped an encounter in his plane last week.
“I was just doing my usual flyover this normally quiet patch of ocean when I hear something bump against my hull. I look down and there are a bunch of killer whales trying to bite my plane. One of them nearly took my wing off before I managed to escape.”
“Got to admit, as scary as it was seeing them all rabid and hungry for my blood, it was kind of majestic when they got on top of each other to set up that ally-oop maneuver. They just barely missed my landing gear with that one.”
Scientists suspect that the whales may have switched their focus to planes from yachts as they contain a high concentration of their favourite food: billionaires. Currently, there are no plans to divert flight paths to avoid killer whale attacks, but will instead spilt up passengers between multiple planes, in the hope the orcas only go after the slowest one.
At press time, a conspiracy theory that the whale-on-plane violence will decrease once several high-profile orca leaders are released from captivity is quickly gaining traction.