Animal Archives - The Beaverton


Piece of shit cat knocks over fucking swear jar

WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice. “That son of a bitch knew …


Checks out! Weird guy owns lizard

LINDSAY, ON – In an extremely foreseeable but nonetheless upsetting chain of events, 29-year-old Dan Wilson, a man who can only be described as “weird as hell”, has revealed himself to be t…


Scientist: Otters are actually just wet dogs

Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist D…