HAMILTON, ON – Local serial killer David Mark Thompson has announced an immediate work stoppage pending a more favourable contract from Netflix, Inc., producers of the popular true-crime se…
Culture
Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck …
Millennials call for “youth” to be redefined as whatever age they currently are
OTTAWA – In a recent statement, the nation’s millennials have called for the definition of “youth” to be urgently changed to whatever age they are right now. “This is a crisis,” says Ashley…
Where are they now: “Don’t you put it in your mouth” puppet checks into rehab
VANCOUVER – Representatives for the female Sister Puppet from the popular 1992 Concerned Children’s Advertisers PSA “Don’t you put it in your mouth” have confirmed that the puppet has check…
5 essential pieces for your nuclear winter wardrobe
It’s never been a better time to pick up some sturdy essentials that will keep you cute and cozy through a period of severe and prolonged global cooling brought on by a nuclear catastrophe! 1. A …
Modern Renaissance man? This guy is a painter AND a geocentrist
EDMONTON – According to local sources, polymath Alan Fowler never ceases to amaze everyone he meets with his incredible artistic talent, deep knowledge of classical literature, and unshakeable be…
This episode of Family Feud Canada features cast of two more CBC shows you won’t watch
TORONTO – Hold on to your hats Canada, this latest season of Family Feud Canada you won’t watch is kicking off with a special all-star episode featuring the cast of two more CBC shows you w…
Out of respect to victims’ families, Ryan Murphy to donate portion of Dahmer profits to anyone who ever watched Glee
LOS ANGELES – In response to criticism of insensitivity toward victims, Dahmer showrunner Ryan Murphy has vowed to donate a portion of his series profits to anyone who ever watched Glee. “I see n…
Woman tilting her head in art gallery must really know her shit
OTTAWA – Darcy Chen’s first visit to the National Gallery of Canada quickly became sidetracked by the appearance of a mystery woman whose subtle head movement indicated she knew more about …
Justin Trudeau living embodiment of what happens when theatre kids aren’t bullied enough
OTTAWA – In a dire warning issued yesterday, Canada’s theatre students and their high school bullies joined together in pointing to Justin Trudeau as the single worst embodiment of what can…