Florida, Calgary win Stanley Cup Final
SUNRISE, FL – The Florida Panthers have defeated the Edmonton Oilers in the Stanley Cup Final, securing both Florida and Calgary their second consecutive Cup victory over Edmonton. “I’m happy my …
“Eh, fuck it”: Montreal F1 driver takes an Uber
MONTREAL, QUEBEC – The annual Montreal Grand Prix has arrived, but one championship-winning Formula One driver decided to forego the traditional lavish displays of the competition and enter…
Inventive refs develop new way to help Panthers win beyond the favourable whistle
Sunrise, FL – In a landmark win for referee science, the team of Wes McCauley and Francis Charron have come up with a new way to help the Panthers win: physically blocking Oilers players in…
Hockey players shake hands, say there are no hard feelings about the permanent brain damage
MIAMI, FLORIDA – After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resen…
Convoluted new UEFA Champions League structure forces PSG to play themselves in the final
MUNICH – French soccer champions Paris Saint-Germain were told by UEFA that, having accidentally eliminated all other clubs by a bookkeeping error in their complicated new tournament system…
“One day I’ll be dead and I won’t have to watch this team,” thinks Leafs fan to cheer himself up
TORONTO – In the wake of the Leafs discovering a new playoff performance low point even lower than their previous playoff lowpoints, fan Martin Scheffel advised that he takes comfort in the…
In embarrassing snafu, starting line-up of St. Louis Cardinals included in Conclave to elect new pope
VATICAN CITY – In a clear administrative error by the Holy See, the recently convened Conclave to choose the next pope has mistakenly included both the entire College of Cardinals as well as the …
Sports journalist refuses to give up the verb “edging”
Toronto, ON – Despite years of being widely used as sexual slang, and against the advice of nearly all his peers, sports journalist Reed Mackie continues to use the term “edging” in his art…
