EDMONTON – In a stroke of luck, key movers and shakers in the video games industry recalled the existence of the incredible talent at Canadian studio Bioware just in time to wipe it from existence.
In an internal message, EA leadership thanked Bioware for decades of genre-defining work which would have gone unnoticed if not for a few pesky numbers impacting their bottom line.
“The relief here is palpable”, stated an anonymous, shadowy CEO from EA. “For a moment, we thought we would have to suffer the consequences of our sketchy as fuck acquisition, instead of pawning the outcomes of our dogshit strategies off on the poor suckers who actually generate profit”.
“While we’re gutted by this outcome, rest assured that this closure has made the Saudi Arabian sovereign wealth fund and Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner marginally wealthier,” the CEO added. “And on the plus side, the leadership here at EA will never again have to acknowledge Canadian talent for more than half a second.”
In other news, developers at the now-closed Ubisoft Halifax and Winnipeg studios are still waiting for security to let them out of the parking lot.
