WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following Tuesday’s “Blue Wave” midterm elections, Senator Chuck Schumer is reportedly already hard at work on a long list of reasons why President Trump can continue to walk all over him and the Congressional Democrats.
“It feels so good to have something to do again,” said a smiling Schumer, who has led the Senate Democratic Caucus through nearly a decade of feckless inaction.
“The first two months are easy,” the Senator explained. “I just have to remind everyone that, for some reason, we don’t actually take power until January. The American people have made it abundantly clear they no longer trust the Republican Party, and yet the Republicans still get to do whatever they want for another 60 days. It’s called democracy, and it’s a perfect system.”
Schumer could scarcely hide his elation as he flipped to the next page of his list.
“2027 is when the fun really starts,” he continued. “In January, I’ll kick things off with a classic: the presidential veto. Then I have a couple months of material on the Supreme Court, which should tide me over until I start blaming the Progressive Caucus in April. I’m really excited about that one.”
Schumer went on to explain how in May, he’ll mumble something about a “big tent” that includes progressives, moderates, Republicans, Freemasons, the Whig Party, and the Bloc Québécois.
Then, in June, Schumer will recite a lovely haiku he wrote about filibusters, which will also serve as his out-of-office message while he takes a summer vacation from July to September.
Finally, Schumer plans to make a token gesture in October by re-renaming Lake Ontario, despite voting to pass Trump’s next funding bill. Following that, he’ll try to make it until Christmas by just pretending he’s going through a tunnel and can’t hear any questions.
“Some of my colleagues will have you believe the Democrats could end the war in Iran, scrap Trump’s tariffs, and even impeach the president,” said Schumer. “But what they don’t understand is that Trump posted a picture of a hat that says “VETO” on it on Truth Social, so our hands are tied.”
