WASHINGTON D.C. – In a joint statement, U.S. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries and current U.S. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer made clear their position that just-convicted rapist Russell Brand should not face jail time or any other tangible punishment for his crimes.
“While we accept the jury’s finding that Brand was guilty of one count of rape and three counts of sexual assault in incidents involving four women, we feel comfortable speaking on behalf of the victims and saying the important thing now is to move forward,” explained Schumer. “And by ‘move forward’, we mean ‘take this as a vague acknowledgment that rape is wrong and then act like it never happened’.”
“We are also aware that these crimes and this trial took place in another country, but it’s important to us that no one anywhere ever be held accountable for anything,” Jeffries added.
A counter-statement by Brand’s victims read, “We want him to go to jail. We would’ve thought that it was obvious from us reporting the crimes and then testifying about the crimes at his criminal trial that we wanted him to face criminal punishment, but apparently not, Democrats. So here it is, again and explicit: We want him to go to jail.”
In a rare statement from a trial jury, the group of eight men and four women also said they expect Brand to receive jail time.
“We literally just voted on this. We considered the evidence, we deliberated, and then we voted. And it was very clear what we were voting for. That these two men would come forward and pretend that’s not what we voted for is baffling.”
Reached for comment, Schumer replied, “I don’t want to invalidate the feelings of the victims or even the jury, but we have to consider the possibility that they’re all just hysterical because of the badness of Russell Brand’s movies and the high price of eggs.”
Brand’s sentencing is scheduled for November 9th where the former actor is expected to receive years of prison time, as that’s standard when someone is convicted of multiple violent felonies.
