WASHINGTON D.C. – In the most successful midterm election since 1974 Democrats have retaken control of the House and Senate thanks, primarily, to Canadian meddling.
“Sure we started a hopeless war with Iran that drove gas prices up and put in place tariffs that drove prices for everything else up,” said U.S. ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra, “but we would have gotten away with all of it if it weren’t for those damn Canadians!”
“If it weren’t for Canadian tariffs on bourbon, nobody would have cared that Trump refused to release the Epstein files.”
According to exit polls ‘what do Canadians think of us’ was the top issue for a large majority of American voters, topping even the affordability crisis. Number 3 was ‘what does my Canadian girlfriend want me to do?’
“I didn’t realize we could sway millions of Americans, so easily” said Martha Owens of Regina. “What country should we decide the election of next do ya think?”
“I’ve never voted Democrat once in my life,” said Keith Franzen of Mississippi. “But when I got in the voting booth something just came over me. I just kept thinking about what Ryan Reynolds, Michael J. Fox or that Elliot Page fella would want.”
At press time Ambassador Hoekstra, despite not being an elected official, had somehow lost his seat too.
