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Meet the unvaccinated: This 33 year old mom is a real fucking idiot
With about 10% of the population saying they will not get vaccinated against the deadly COVID-19 virus, we here at The Beaverton have decided to follow every other media outlet in Canada and do o…
Arthur series to end with fan requested “Death of DW” episode
Eldwood City, Pennsylvania – After 25 seasons, the animated children’s series Arthur is finally coming to an end with an ending producers insist “fans will love.” “After 25 seasons, we’ve d…
NHL’s plan to become league that only caters to MRAs, alt-right trolls and creepy uncles going great
TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls. “…
Quiz: Are you living on the beach that makes you old or have you just not slept in a couple days?
M. Night Shyamalan is back with a new thriller that blurs the line between fiction and reality as we, the audience, start to question whether we are living on some sort of plain that makes one ag…
Real-life Garfield? This cat ate a lasagna and died
REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved t…
John Tory gets haircut after receiving assurance that homeless people will not be given the clippings for warmth
TORONTO – After many months of growing his hair out, Toronto mayor John Tory has finally gotten his hair trimmed after painstaking measures to ensure that the newly shorn locks will not be …
Canada’s male Olympians dream of one day growing up to be as good as Canada’s female Olympians
TOKYO – The men representing Canada at the Tokyo Olympics have expressed their hope that, one day, they could be as good at their sports as the women representing Canada at the Tokyo Olympi…
Pickup trucks distance selves from Jason Kenney to maintain popularity
EDMONTON – After the publication of several news articles questioning the safety and utility of pickup trucks, Jason Kenney has publicly and loudly given his support to the large, popular v…
Anti-vaxxers celebrate killing more people than most dictators
Miami, Florida – With vaccination rates stalling across the developed world even as the Delta Variant kills thousands every day, the global anti-vaccine movement is celebrating the fact tha…