WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following midterm elections that saw Democrats take control of both the Senate and House of Representatives, former Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell offered up no comment.
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” said the Kentucky Senator, presumably lost in thought at the magnitude of the Republicans’ defeat. He then opened his mouth to speak, but closed it after realizing there was nothing he could really say about a race where his party suffered its worst political defeat since the Watergate scandal.
Staffers employed by the office of Mitch McConnell insist that the Senator is fine, and that he has many thoughts about the midterm election results that he is looking forward to sharing at a later date.
“This election has given Republicans a lot to think about when it comes to the immediate need for bipartisan cooperation and the broader direction of the Republican Party,” said Chief of Staff Terry Carmack, visibly grasping the head and lower jaw of Senator McConnell. “Isn’t that right, Mitch? Oh yes Terry, you’re soooo right, as always. Wow, Senator, you’re too kind. You’re the bestest chief of staff ever. Ha, alright Senator, I think that’s enough press for now. Yeah, Terry, it’s time for my weightlifting circuit. Can’t forget my pre-workout! Of course sir, let’s get you to the gym right away.”
Carmack then added, “Oh, and if any of the incoming representatives are looking for new staff as of January 2027, remember that I’m available. Democrat, Republican, Independent, visibly alive, sort of almost-alive… at this point, I’m not picky.”
When asked to comment on whether Mitch McConnell now regrets his earlier support of President Donald Trump, the Senator’s office responded that McConnell would be happy to provide a detailed and robust answer to this question, just as soon as the Senator finishes with his daily skydiving lessons and a series of 20-minute phone calls to various Republican officials.
