OTTAWA – A recent amendment to Canadian content laws has set a minimum quota for the celebrity partners of former Canadian Prime Ministers, requiring at least 55% of pop stars dated by reti…
Local woman looking forward to 23 days between harsh winter and uncontrollable wildfires
GRAND PRAIRIE – With spring finally underway, 34-year-old resident Inna Bondaruk reports she is looking forward to enjoying the approximately 23 days of tolerable weather between the end of…
“I’m tired of these goddamn tourists” says man whose financial existence depends on them
LUNENBURG, NS – Local resident and business owner Tyson MacNeil expressed his deep disdain for tourists this past Sunday, despite living a life that is only financially possible due to tour…
American soldiers equipped with silencers to avoid waking sleeping stock market
WASHINGTON, DC – As rising tensions in the Persian Gulf bring renewed fears of rising oil prices, US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has reassured the nation that all US soldiers deployed…
Tim Hortons reminds Campbell’s customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
TORONTO – Following the news that a top Campbell’s executive was fired after being caught on microphone calling the company’s soups “shit for poor people”, Tim Hortons have released a state…
US confirms contestants in all 2028 Olympic track events will be chased by ICE agents
WASHINGTON, DC – In a press conference today, US Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed that all non-US track and field athletes will be chased by agents of United States Immigration an…
Elon Musk releases new baby name book, “From Arargnft to Zrrfppfortt”
BOCA CHICA, TEXAS – Troubled businessman and 53-year-old memelord Elon Musk has once again made headlines with a new business venture, announcing the release of his new baby name book “From…
Local man unsure if Canada Post is on strike or if he just doesn’t get a lot of mail
MONCTON – 36-year-old Moncton resident Aaron Landry expressed confusion late Monday evening after opening his empty mailbox for the sixth time in a row, uncertain if his lack of mail was du…
Canadians travelling to the US advised to not fucking do that
OTTAWA – Canadians thinking of planning a trip to the United States are being advised by the Government of Canada to perhaps consider going anywhere else on the entire fucking planet for th…
Federal government opens distress hotline for Canadians forced to cheer for Oilers
OTTAWA – A new federal mental health initiative has seen the opening of a 24/7 distress hotline that will provide emergency support for Canadians who have been forced to cheer for the Oiler…
