WASHINGTON, DC – As rising tensions in the Persian Gulf bring renewed fears of rising oil prices, US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has reassured the nation that all US soldiers deployed…
Money
Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth
NEW YORK- The complete eradication of sentient life on our planet spurned the end of history, the death of time, and a permanent all-consuming blackness, as markets reacted negatively, shedding e…
Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs
OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs. “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to tw…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcemen…
Carney promises 2026 will see huge economic growth that will absolutely not include you
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada’s GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest.…
Carney urges Canadians to make holiday donations to struggling shareholders
OTTAWA – In light of economic difficulties facing the nation, Prime Minister Mark Carney reminded Canadians to pause their own holiday celebrations and give generously to billionaire shareh…
Canadian economy rallies as #1 export now Heated Rivalry
OTTAWA – Canada’s economy, which has spent the year reeling due to American tariffs, is finishing strong thanks to the country’s new chief export, the gay hockey-romance drama H…
Modern Mother Teresa? This woman donated to Wikipedia
PICKERING, ON – Budding philanthropist Krista Murphy inspired onlookers last week when she responded to Wikipedia’s call for donation not with apathy, but with a one-time contribution…
Economy stalls as Canada Post strike prevents grandmothers from mailing birthday money
OTTAWA – The ongoing Canada Post strike has impacted the ability of grandmothers across the nation to send you “a few dollars” on your birthday, which has been discovered to be …
CRA addresses long call centre wait times by hiring CRA scammers
OTTAWA – In an effort to cut down call centre wait times, the Canada Revenue Agency has hired a new team of agents uniquely equipped to handle calls from concerned taxpayers: scammers who say you…
