WASHINGTON D.C. – The President of the United States will be forced to miss the second wedding of his eldest son this weekend, due to a top secret executive branch-level not giving a shit.
“The president greatly regrets missing his son’s nuptials in the Bahamas, but regrettably he must remain in the Oval Office to deal with an urgent feeling of not caring if Don Jr. lives or dies,” explained Secretary of State Marco Rubio, filling in as Press Secretary after nobody else thought to fill the position.
High level Trump insiders confirm that the POTUS will spend the weekend attending to a classified-level case of refusing to lift a finger for any family members not named Ivanka.
“It is of the utmost national security importance that Mister Trump remains in the West Wing to tweet about Stephen Colbert’s cancellation and also not have to make small talk at the family table with Eric,” explained Chief of Staff Suzie Wiles.
President Trump himself posted on Truth Social regarding the unfortunate scheduling conflict: “My fellow Americans, it pains me to admit that I will not be attending this weekend’s wedding, even though it would be great publicity for me and possibly even humanize my image, due to an unfortunate scheduling overlap with not having an ounce of human empathy for another living soul up to and including my own flesh and blood. Thank you for your attention to this matter. #BuyTrumpCoin”
At press time, the President’s agents have apparently reached out to the bride and groom with an appearance fee offer, provided Trump himself receives top billing at the wedding.
