OTTAWA — Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that the first use of Canada’s new sovereign wealth fund will be to purchase a Saudi Arabian soccer team and festoon it with Canadian branding.
“While much of the fund will be used to bribe corrupt American officials, it’s also important to improve Canada’s reputation abroad,” Prime Minister Carney said. “A lot of people are still mad at us for Bryan Adams.”
Al-Nassr Football Club will be renamed the Al-Carney Soccer Team, and while it will continue to play its home games in Riyadh, its jersey sponsor is being replaced by an “Explore Exotic Hamilton” ad campaign.
“I’ve been getting paid in blood money, so I might as well take some Liberal money, too,” Al-Carney star Cristiano Ronaldo said. “I’ve already been asked to visit a place called ‘Saskatoon’ and pretend to like it.”
The fund’s managers are also planning to invest in foreign car companies, real estate, and the newly-announced LUV Golf Tour, where the Middle East’s finest golfers will be paid millions to come shoot courses across Canada.
“It was either this or expanded public dental care,” a fund representative said. “And I think when Canadians see Othman Almulla sink a birdie on the 4th hole at Banff Springs, they’ll understand that we made the right choice.”
At press time, Carney also announced plans to execute Ian Hanomansing, then distract from the brutal crime by funding a standup comedy festival.
