WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their virility.
Hegseth posted the remarks weeks after directing the U.S. military to begin screening soldiers’ testicles for testosterone deficiency.
“Secretary, Hegseth keeps up a rigorous 18 hour a day schedule of traveling the country and dropping to his knees to inspect the size, texture, and virility of of the gonads of every single active duty service member,” explain a Department of War spokesman. “Despite this, he still carves out time for his other official duties, namely making creepy online comments about underage Canadian girls in order to score points with President Trump and his MAGA base.”
The spokesman added, “As we all know, taking a keen interest in the bodies of non-consenting underage females is a core value of the entire Trump Administration.”
Despite his intensely disciplined 24/7 professional schedule (24 beers, 7 shots, per day) the former Fox News weekend host has repeatedly noted how important it is to maintain American military might abroad by lightly cyberbullying Canadian teens.
“And never once has this prevented the Secretary from poking and prodding the ballsacks of our 1.1 million active duty service members. Dudes only,” the spokesman added, shifting uncomfortably.
In addition to posting snide social media comments about the bodies of Canadian teens, secretary Hegseth balances this with his other professional duties, including: sneaking vodka into his water bottle; murdering more South American fisherman; having his makeup reapplied every hour on the hour to maintain camera readiness; losing the Iran war; fat shaming American service troops; planning his next white supremacist tattoo; hurrying to the Oval Office to praise the virility of a sleeping president Trump; and blacking out.
Asked to comment, semi-professional spousal abuser Hegseth took a break from his midmorning keg stand to explain that both making pathetic comments about teenage cadets from foreign countries, and personally judging the machismo of every soldier via their balls, was all in the line of duty,
“I’m just trying to uphold the high personal standards laid out by my own mother when she described me as ‘an abuser of women’ who is ‘lacking in character’.”
Hegseth then announced that all U.S. service members “with hogs shorter than 6 inches” would receive dishonorable discharges (himself excluded).
Meanwhile, Canada’s Cadets were too busy doing actual military shit to comment.
