TORONTO — Environment Canada has warned that wildfire smoke drifting from Northwestern Ontario has reduced Toronto’s air quality to 1990s bingo hall levels.
Elderly Toronto bingo players were among the first to raise the alarm. “The air this morning was a little yellow, like an Early Bird game back in the Chretien years,” said former bingo caller Carol Nowatsky, 70. “But soon it was as thick as the Jumbo Jackpot game. Me and my bingo gals, we figured we better give the government a heads up before the sky looks like the Night Owl game.”
According to a statement by Environment Canada, Toronto will experience the worst air quality in the world today, something local bingo players used to experience weekly in windowless warehouses throughout the GTA prior to the non-smoking bans rolled out starting in 1999.
“Honestly, I kinda of miss those nights,” said Bruce Merton, 72. “But not as much as I miss my bingo friends, every one of whom died of lung cancer.”
Officials are warning Torontonians to reduce or reschedule outdoor activities, especially children and the elderly. “Unlike a nineties bingo night,” said spokesperson Lisa Bedford, “there’s no prize for enduring this smoke. You’re not gonna win $300 cash to spend on cigarettes and Snapple while listening to Ace of Base.”
Experts like Bedford are concerned that, as the global climate continues to warm, incidents of wild fires will increase, leading to ever worsening air quality.
“We could see days the air quality drops to ‘Greyhound bus ride from Regina to Winnipeg in 1977’ levels. And nobody can survive that.”
