TORONTO — Environment Canada has warned that wildfire smoke drifting from Northwestern Ontario has reduced Toronto’s air quality to 1990s bingo hall levels. Elderly Toronto bingo players were amo…
Blurred Zoom background fails to conceal that coworker is in jail
TORONTO – Employees at a local software firm were surprised yesterday when one of their colleagues attempted to use Zoom’s “blur my background” feature to hide the fact he is currently inca…
Carney announces competition to win blame for 24 Sussex restoration
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a national design-and-build competition for the restoration of 24 Sussex Drive, the winner of which will receive full blame for their effor…
Complex man hates bikes when he’s driving, hates cars when he’s biking
MONTREAL, QC — There’s more to Brent Taylor, 34, than meets the eye. Capable of hating bikes when he’s driving and hating cars when he’s biking, he may be one of the most intriguing men alive. At…
Huge dock spider already looking forward to scurrying over your hand this summer
MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a pier…
Man exceeds email exclamation mark limit before 10am
EDMONTON, AB — Project manager Hank Johnson exceeded his personal email exclamation mark limit today before 10:00 a.m. local time. Johnson has grave concerns as to how he will get through the res…
Canadians wonder how close to Mother’s Day you can ask Mom for money
OTTAWA — With spring comes Mother’s Day, and with Mother’s Day comes planning. Where to take her for brunch? What kind of flowers to give her? And most importantly, how close to the big day is it…
AI commercial produced on budget of just 3 lakes
LOS ANGELES, CA — The advertising industry is abuzz after reports that a recent AI-made television commercial was produced on a budget of only three pristine Tennessee lakes. This marks a signifi…
The “so much for global warming” guy at work is having a hell of a month
HAMILTON, ON — Brad Hadley, 39, better known as the “so much for global warming” guy at his workplace, is having his best winter ever. Hadley has been enjoying record levels of smug satisfaction …
Linguists stumped by decline in Winnipeg residents calling themselves ‘Peggers
WINNIPEG, MB—Language experts are struggling to explain a sharp decline in Winnipeggers describing themselves with the whimsical short form, ‘Peggers. A recent study finds that the once-common te…
