EDMONTON — Local historians say a quaint suburban playground from the early 1980s is responsible for more deaths than infamous American serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. The un-named pla…
Poilievre team divided over when to drop Mark Carney diss track
OTTAWA — Pierre Poilievre’s inner circle is at loggerheads over when to release his diss track targeting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Titled “Miss the Mark,” Poilievre said that the track, while p…
Man with 500 day Duolingo streak surprised real Spanish conversations not multiple choice
COSTA RICA – A Vancouver man boasting a 500-day Duolingo streak was stunned to discover during a recent vacation that conversations with real Spanish speakers are not, in fact, multiple choice. T…
Boomers blame social media for setting unrealistic lawn standards
ST. CATHARINES — Canada’s Baby Boomers increasingly say social media is to blame for setting unrealistically high standards for their lawns. “Sometimes I’m on Facebook, enjoying posts about how T…
Toronto air quality plummets to 1990s bingo hall levels
TORONTO — Environment Canada has warned that wildfire smoke drifting from Northwestern Ontario has reduced Toronto’s air quality to 1990s bingo hall levels. Elderly Toronto bingo players were amo…
Blurred Zoom background fails to conceal that coworker is in jail
TORONTO – Employees at a local software firm were surprised yesterday when one of their colleagues attempted to use Zoom’s “blur my background” feature to hide the fact he is currently inca…
Carney announces competition to win blame for 24 Sussex restoration
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a national design-and-build competition for the restoration of 24 Sussex Drive, the winner of which will receive full blame for their effor…
Complex man hates bikes when he’s driving, hates cars when he’s biking
MONTREAL, QC — There’s more to Brent Taylor, 34, than meets the eye. Capable of hating bikes when he’s driving and hating cars when he’s biking, he may be one of the most intriguing men alive. At…
Huge dock spider already looking forward to scurrying over your hand this summer
MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a pier…
Man exceeds email exclamation mark limit before 10am
EDMONTON, AB — Project manager Hank Johnson exceeded his personal email exclamation mark limit today before 10:00 a.m. local time. Johnson has grave concerns as to how he will get through the res…
