QUEEN’S PARK – After the Ontario Court of Appeals overruled a lower court decision stopping Doug Ford from ripping out 19 kilometres of bike lanes in Toronto today, the Ontario premier celebrated by announcing he would be publicly executing one local cycling group of his choice in Sankofa Square.
“Folks, this is a great day for Toronto, cars, all the Toronto politicians who hate bikes, cars again, city morgues, and once more, and I can’t stress this enough, cars,” Ford stated triumphantly, standing in front of the blindfolded members of the Toronto Friendship Bike Club. “Thanks to the constitution, drivers of my — I mean, Olivia Chow’s great city can rest easy knowing that if they car door a cyclist because they are parked in what used to be a bike lane, it’s all gravy, baby.”
Ford watched fondly as a group of MPPs wheeled an electric chair into the middle of Sankofa Square. “And now, let us begin a new tradition! Every time some pesky pinko ‘activist group’ trying to keep cyclists alive whines and moans about not having safe places to ride, I will be sacrificing five of their brethren to this cool electric chair we dug out of the Don Jail basement.”
Ontario Transportation Minister Prabmeet Sarkaria read aloud from the Appeals Court ruling as the members of the cycling club were led to their doom, emphasizing the paragraphs detailing how if bike riders didn’t want to die, they should have thought about that before they chose to “care about the stupid environment.”
“Moving forward,” Sarkaria added, “we will be changing Toronto’s motto to ‘Congestion, congestion, congestion,’ to really hammer home what the residents of downtown want. We will also be looking into getting rid of streetcar tracks, because if there are no streetcars, then there will be more pedestrian targets for drivers to hit. It’s just common sense.”
At press time, Brad Bradford had just changed his mind about bike lanes for the tenth time.
