WASHINGTON D.C. – Longtime Trump advisor Stephen Miller is moving portfolios to become White House Chief of Staff, largely because Arlington police have begun linking a series of unsolved stranglings involving college-aged women.
“As Mr. Trump’s Chief of Staff I will oversee a broad portfolio of administration operations and immigration enforcement, which will leave me too busy for any… extracurricular activities,” said Miller to reporters as he tucked a pair of black leather gloves further into his coat pocket.
Miller insists the promotion was entirely due to his longstanding work for the Trump administration, and had nothing to do with local police beginning to suspect that the series of late night stranglings along desolate highways were likely the work of a single “deeply disturbed individual”.
Arlington police report all of the deceased victims’ necks sporting similar handprints “likely belonging to a slender, weak-fingered male, in his early forties.” Homicide detectives also report finding a dogeared copy of the 2015 book “Goebbels: A Biography”.
Back at the White House, Miller continued his introduction speech. “I will be here working to implement this administration’s sweeping second term agenda, that is, until the heat dies down and I can slake my terrifying urges.”
In a related story, Chief of Staff Miller has requested video copies of all ICE arrests and interrogations “for personal review”.
