CINCINNATI, OH – When single father Michael Field’s children, Talia and Connor, ran to their kitchen table last Sunday to decorate eggs for Easter, they were confused to find instead a bowl…
Holidays
Thoughtful gift thwarted by Dollarama price tag
OAKVILLE – Kevin Walker’ seemingly thoughtful gesture for his girlfriend’s birthday on Sunday was obliterated when she noticed her gift was purchased from the discount chain, Do…
5 ways to eroticise Groundhog Day because you’re busy on Valentine’s
The most romantic day of the year is almost here, but what if you’re busy this Valentine’s Day? Don’t start preparing for divorce court just yet; with a little planning and the right attitude, Gr…
News Anchor excited for annual holiday tradition of paying lip service to Hannukah
VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hann…
New Hallmark movie premiering this month: I Fucked My Christmas Tree
TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark…
“It’s ‘tax Christmas,’ not ‘tax holiday,’” says local culture warrior
WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using…
Local man hoping for Christmas miracle of Canada Post employees surrendering collective bargaining rights
Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, a…
“It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator
TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating …
Report: Due to shrinkflation, Halloween chip bags now just air
TORONTO – When local man Peter Vidal decided to have “just one bag” of the Halloween chips he purchased for trick-or-treaters, he was shocked to discover that it contained only air. &…
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” s…
