WASHINGTON D.C. – The United States Department of Justice has released a joint statement with the Federal Bureau of Prisons, announcing the tragic suicide of notorious sex trafficker and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell, which will be happening later next week.
“I regret to inform the American public that Maxwell’s death brings to a close the entire Jeffrey Epstein investigation, or at least it will this coming Thursday when the body is scheduled to be discovered in her cell hanging from a bedsheet tied into a makeshift noose,” explained U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche, fresh off his confirmation along a strict party-line vote.
Blanche went on to explain how, following the imminent suicide, all questions regarding powerful men who had underage women trafficked to them by Maxwell and Epstein will sadly go unanswered.
“This jail cell suicide will be the unfortunate result of a malfunctioning security camera, as well as lapses by the prison guards,” explained Blanche, before moving onto the suicide note that Maxwell will leave behind in her cell.
“The note makes clear that Maxwell alone preyed upon young women, and that no sitting or former presidents had any involvement in any sex crimes whatsoever,” Blanche explained.
Before refusing to take any questions, Attorney General Blanche asked that reporters respect the privacy of the deceased by not spoiling the surprise.
