WASHINGTON D.C. – After facing cancellations from numerous d-list musicians, organizers of the Trump-aligned Freedom 250 Celebration have reportedly also seen withdrawals from similarly obscure Canadian one hit wonders.
Reports indicate that cancellations from several forgotten acts, including C+C Music Factory, Bret Michaels, and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli, were all taken quite personally by President Trump. “The President chose most of those acts himself, possibly because his cultural tastes are frozen in 1990, or due to the dementia,” explained Freedom 250 organizer Helena Thompson, “but after them we were unable to book a single American performing artist. That’s when we turned to Canada.”
Numerous Canadian musicians were offered slots at the Freedom 250 Celebration, though after passes from high profile artists like Céline Dion and Arcade Fire the organizers reached out to every remaining act from the MuchMusic Top 30 Countdown circa 2001. However, once the festival’s ties to the Trump administration came to light, those acts also exited their contracts.
“I should have been suspicious when our agent called for the first time in over 2 decades,” explained Serial Joe front man Ryan Dennis. “Still, Serial Joe does not condone creeping authoritarianism, as we made clear on our 2000 track ‘False Design’.”
“An artist has to have standards,” explained Dan Kowarsky of the short-lived Canadian boy band B4-4. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my fifteen minute break is almost done at the last remaining Second Cup.”
Freedom 250 bookers reportedly grew increasingly desperate for Canadian content, receiving rejections from : Jelleestone, Bedouin Soundclash, Carly Rae Jensen, Payola$, Bass Is Base, Organized Rhyme, Kish, Remy Shand, Len, the Partland Brothers, Mitsou, and Bran Van 3000.
Insiders report that even Canadian R&B one hit wonder Snow rejected a slot at the MAGA celebration, responding, “Freedom 2-Fiddy, ya’ NO-saydaddy-meSnowme-I-no playin’, I licky-boom-boom Elbows Up!”
“We even tried to book Degrassi: The Next Generation’s Downtown Sasquatch, in hopes of tricking Drake into appearing,” notes Thompson, “but we actually got turned down by Spinner. Spinner!”
At press time the Freedom 250 organizers are still ignoring repeated voicemails from Jian Ghomeshi, begging to perform.
