Panama Canal, NY – The Trump administration has begun a international search for another large trade route to completely fuck up after successfully fucking up both the strait of Hormuz and Gordie Howe bridge.
“There’s just too many routes operating smoothly,” stated Trump in a recent press conference. “As a businessman first, it is my job to find a way to take a deal that is working for everyone and just make it worse on every level. I do love Panama… got a lot of money hidden away there.”
The Trump administration is allegedly looking into popular trade routes like the Panama canal, the strait of Malacca and of course the Suez canal as possible routes to fuck up for uncertain political gain.
Trump admits his obsession with trade routes came from a recent viewing of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, seeing his own administration as the heroic trade federation, and Naboo as, “clearly terrorists and traitors.” After the viewing, Trump allegedly asked that JD Vance wear a hood more often and try some black and red face paint.
“I have requested the president send me somewhere nice,” said Pete Hegseth, Trump’s secretary of war. “I may be the secretary of war, but I am also the secretary of booze cruises. I would love to ruin a country’s economy that’s nice this time of year.”
If the Trump Administration is unable to find a new trade route, Trump has vowed to simply ‘bomb some place into oblivion’ to create a new one. This news was alarming to Hegseth, as he continues to hide the fact that he miscounted how many bombs they had.
