OTTAWA – Tensions between Canada and the United States flared this week when US Ambassador Pete Hoekstra was captured on a live microphone admitting that he regretted his decision to accept a diplomatic post in Canada, citing his lack of interest in being diplomatic toward Canadians.
“This diplomat shit is supposed to be easy,” said Hoekstra, ranting into the microphone at a Burger King drive-through. “When [US President Donald Trump] offered me the Canadian ambassador gig, he never said anything about being nice to the canucks. I was Ambassador to the Netherlands for three years, and I never heard any complaints. I never said a single nice thing about their country, and I was fuckin born there. I thought being Ambassador to Canada would be pretty much the same thing as the Netherlands – you go to a cold country full of communist homos and tell them they’re a bunch of abortion-loving queers with bad food and worse hockey. USA! USA! USA!”
Hoekstra cleared his throat and continued, “Oh, and I’ll have a Double Whopper with cheese. And a Diet Coke in a real American size, none of this Canadian nanny-state 13-ounce bullshit. You got a bucket back there? Empty out the mop bucket if you have to, I’ll wait.”
The Ambassador’s comments, recorded and leaked by a Burger King employee, have caused a stir among the general populace and the higher levels of the federal government.
“At this time, we will not be formally expelling Ambassador Hoekstra,” said Anita Anand, Minister of Foreign Affairs, speaking to the press late Friday night. “We would, however, welcome the appointment of an alternative United States Ambassador to Canada at this time.”
“If the United States government is open to suggestions, we would like to use this opportunity to formally suggest the appointment of American actor Jon Hamm as our next Ambassador – his time as a Skip the Dishes Ambassador demonstrated a genuine appreciation for Canadian culture. If Mr. Hamm was to go on a drunken anti-Canada rant, we believe he would do so in the drive-thru of a Swiss Chalet, and not a Burger King.”
When reached for comment, Mark Wiseman, Canadian Ambassador to the USA, stated that he does not share his counterpart’s disdain for his diplomatic role.
“I actually find diplomacy with the Americans to be a very smooth and pleasant experience,” said Wiseman. “All you have to do is put some sort of corn-based snack in your hand and feed it to them while you murmur to them about CUSMA in a soothing voice. The hardest part is remembering to keep your hand flat so they don’t bite.”
At press time, Ambassador Hoekstra had not issued a formal apology, but posted a statement to social media stating he would be attending the next three Ottawa Senators hockey games as penance.
