TORONTO – Local naturalists received a miraculous surprise last week after a pair of bald eagles were seen building a nest in Toronto, with zero evidence of having an unrelated roommate to …
Liberals plan eco-friendly burial for carbon tax
OTTAWA – With the carbon tax expected to soon meet its demise in Parliament, the Liberal party is planning an environmentally friendly burial for the departed bill. “We’re going to ma…
Study: Earth will never save enough daylight to retire
MILKY WAY GALAXY – A new study suggests that, despite giving up countless hours of sleep each year, the planet Earth will never accumulate enough daylight to give up its 8760-hour orbit. “W…
First shorts-wearing jogger of winter spotted
WINNIPEG – A shorts-clad jogger has been spotted running in the River Heights neighbourhood, a sight that all metropolitan Canadians know heralds the true beginning of winter. “He was so ma…
CRA in blind panic after someone completes tax return in January
OTTAWA – The Canadian Revenue Agency is reportedly in a state of total meltdown after receiving a complete tax report in the first few weeks of the new year. “I have no idea how the fuck th…
Lame Planetarium doesn’t contain any planets
JASPER, AB – A new review of The Jasper Planetarium has exposed a major flaw in the facility, that it does not house any actual planets and is in fact a glorified observatory. “I came here …
Study: visions of Sugarplums may be sign of acute eggnog poisoning
OTTAWA – A new study by Health Canada and several associated medical boards has found that pre-Christmas dreams of sugarplums dancing in someone’s head may be a warning sign they’ve c…
Weird, did you know they have conservatorships for men too?
Stop what you’re doing and prepare to panic. A new examination of American law has found that even male adults can be placed under a conservatorship. While statistically unlikely, it seems …
Las Vegas residents concerned as The Sphere begins to open
LAS VEGAS – Nevada citizens have reported worrying, as earlier today the entertainment and arts venue known as The Sphere reportedly began opening at the top, and is continuing at a gradual…
Disney defends use of AI, “We can’t freeze everyone’s head”
BURBANK, CA – The Walt Disney Corporation has spoken out in support of AI programs that might supplant actors and writers, stating that it could save them from the unmanageable expense of c…