NEW YORK CITY – Court documents from Ghislaine Maxwell’s case have been unsealed and reporters are poring through them to see who among the rich and famous will be revealed to have consorted with the deceased pedophile and human trafficker, Jeffrey Epstein.
We already know that widely acknowledged moral scumbags like Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, and Bill Clinton are on the list. And while it may be no surprise that David Copperfield is there upholding the whole “creepy magician” stereotype, here are some people you don’t want to be named as receiving party favours from Epstein:
5. Mr Rogers
The beloved pioneer of children’s television passed away in 2003, but there was still a window of opportunity that his fame overlapped Epstein’s interest in hobnobbing with famous people. Let’s hope Epstein didn’t try to be Fred Rogers’ neighbour.
4. Bill Nye the Science Guy
No one who wears a bow tie could ever be invited to chill with Epstein, right? And if he went it was only to hang with Stephen Hawking.
3. McLovin
Yes, he’s a fictional horny teenager with the fake ID to get into any party, but did he have the connections to get on the Epstein invite list? We think, and pray, not.
2. Dolly Parton
The iconic singer/songwriter has been doing good for decades. She has bought millions of books, handed out countless scholarships, and she even funded Covid vaccine research. Please, Lord, let that hussy Jolene be the one who cavorted with Epstein.
1. Ken
Barbie’s best male friend has recently learned not to embrace the patriarchy, so he’s not going to abuse women. Besides, he has no genitals, and Epstein was all about genitals.
Bonus person: The greatest Christmas hero, John McClane. There’s no way he could save the people in Nakatomi Plaza and then betray them by getting down with Epstein.
