OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of ou…
Tech
“We see a future where intelligence is a utility, and people buy it from us” says Sam Altman from skull-shaped volcano lair
EVIL LAIR, SOUTH PACIFIC – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has suggested that intelligence could someday be treated as a utility, with people paying him directly to access materials stolen from them …
AI tech mogul confused why expendable human capital booing him during commencement address
COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specif…
Tech Bro loserdom forces nation to yearn for Finance Bros
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Admitting they “never thought it would come to this,” a rigorous poll of every American confirmed that the sustained humiliation of living under tech bro dominance has f…
Unstoppable technology of the future still begging people to use it
Silicon Valley, CA – Generative AI, the technology every company with a vested interest in saying so agrees will soon take over the world continues to have to beg users to try it. “AI…
Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not too distracted by their phones to claim it
MENLO PARK, CA – Following a jury decision that found sites like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube to be designed to be purposely addictive to children, the social media giants have been orde…
ChatGPT cleans up hard drive to procrastinate writing your boring essay
VANCOUVER, BC – When prompted to complete your boring essay, ChatGPT chose to spend the night performing a full system cleanup on your computer instead. Sure you were assigned to write 10,0…
OPINION: The AI Crash will all be worth it if I just get to lay just a few thousand people off
by Jameson Varner, CEO I’m the CEO of a major accounting firm, which means I have my finger on the market’s pulse. Both financial and tech journalists have been predicting that artifi…
Nestlé worried AI will destroy world’s water supply before they do
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on thei…
“AI is not a threat” says man threatened by vibrators
BURNABY, B.C. – A local man exceedingly wary of vibrators also insists that artificial intelligence is not a threat. “AI is just one tool in our toolkit,” says Tyler Bowman, 31, who has never suc…
