Local woman faces Sophie’s Choice between having secure mental health and having an orgasm
TORONTO – In a world where the only thing louder than the shrieking climax of pharmaceutical capitalism is the suffocating endemic of mental illness, one woman has to make the decision of a…
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end…
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
VANCOUVER – Things are finally looking up for local Vancouver actor Timothy Brooks. After thirteen months without booking a gig in theatre, film, or television, the 28-year-old has landed …
Health-conscious man only eats the Cadbury Creme Egg whites
VANCOUVER – Vowing to get back on track after weeks of dubious eating, 26-year-old UX designer Landon Renault reaffirmed his commitment to leading a healthier lifestyle by only consuming th…
April Jason Kenney refuses to give in to the radical agenda of February Jason Kenney
EDMONTON – In a press conference on Alberta’s latest COVID spike, Premier Jason Kenney vowed that the province would not enter another lockdown no matter how often extremists like the Jason Kenne…
Ford: “3rd wave’s the charm!”
QUEEN’S PARK – While announcing this week’s province-wide shutdown, Ontario Premier Doug Ford added that he is positive his administration is close to solving the current health…
REPORT: that makeup in your purse getting real gross about now
NATIONWIDE – As Canadians slowly prepare to re-enter society after more than a year in lockdown, scientists around the country are warning makeup users not to use the products that have been sitt…
CDC warns of ‘catastrophic surplus of hornt-up energy’ as Regé-Jean Page exits Bridgerton Season 2
ATLANTA – One of the top officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned on Tuesday that health experts foresee dangerous amounts of pent-up horny energy, with no opportu…
Doug Ford blames Ontario youth for creating such ineffectual lockdown rules
TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were befor…
Merriam Webster scrambles to keep up with Ford’s definition of “shutdown”
Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s ann…
