The Beaverton

US Supreme Court rules women have no right to abortion because fetus could grow up to be gun owner

Canadian women rest easy in the knowledge misogyny uniquely American problem

Centrist gazelle pauses to consider cheetah’s point of view

Lightning devastated to learn Refs can work against them too

Dad who always insists his family get to the airport six hours early grateful his time has come

Colgate unveils new sensitivity-increasing toothpaste for nasty little freaks

Pervert time traveller reports that your grandpa was hung

OTTAWA – A time traveller from the 25th century has reported that your grandfather packed some serious equipment and knew just how to use it. “I’m sure you only thought of your grandpa as a dodde…

Dads everywhere emerge from 8-month hibernation for lawn mowing season

RICHMOND, BC – It’s that time of year again – dads across the country have awoken from their long winter’s naps to gripe about how overgrown their lawns have gotten. Local graphic des…

Toronto police ask for budget increase to more equitably beat up residents

TORONTO – Following newly revealed statistics proving that Toronto Police Services uses force against BIPOC residents far more often than it does white ones, Chief James Ramer has asked the…

STUDY: 50% of home workouts spent telling dog to go lie down

HAMILTON, ON – According to a new study from McMaster University, half of all home exercise is begging the family dog to leave you alone while you still have the will to move. One particip…

Report: Team that lost in 7 to Stanley Cup finalist must be blown up, team that lost in 4 to other finalist in great shape

DENVER – As the Stanley Cup Finals kicks off in Denver hockey experts agree that the Edmonton Oilers, who were swept by the finalist Avs, are ready to make a great run next year while the T…