By The Beaverton Editorial Board
Dating and marriage used to be simple. A man chose a woman, her father approved, and a happy marriage ensued. We know these marriages were happy because divorce rates were so low, and there’s no other possible explanation for that other than happy marriages.
But sadly, it’s become trendy these days for women to expect far more of the men they date than any man could possibly give. We know this because the women we wish to date refuse to date us, and their reasons could not be more irrational.
Our editors have heard all kinds of pretexts from women as to why they wouldn’t date us, ranging from transparent excuses like “I’m seeing someone” and “For heaven’s sake, you know I’m married, you were at my wedding” to accusing us of having bad politics. First of all, our politics are above reproach because they are based on pure logic and math, which men are very good at. Third of all, it’s not like politics has ever hurt anyone, especially women. Name a single instance where the outcome of electoral politics has harmed women. We can’t, so we assume you can’t either.
One woman who turned down one of our editors had the gall to tell him he should try asking out women who share his worldview. Lord knows we’d love to find attractive, high-quality partners who believe exactly what we believe, but for some reason the few women we can find who share our political views tend to be absolute psychos.
Several of our editors have tried to resort to dating women right after they turn eighteen in the hope that they haven’t yet chosen a political identity that causes them to reject wonderful suitors like ourselves. But sadly, even kids today have all kinds of beliefs about human rights and climate change and not wanting to date men who are twice their age and still expect them to be their mothers. We blame TikTok.
The problem is polarization. What is polarization? We’re not entirely sure, but we think it’s a mental illness that makes women selfish. Yes, selfish. Just think of all of the children who will never be born because these women won’t date us and then have children with us they will have to care for entirely because that’s women’s work. Think of all of the restaurants that will not be patronized on all those dates that will never happen, and all those servers who won’t get the 3% tips we generously pay for excellent service.
Finally, think of us, all of the men who won’t have loving partners to take care of us and put our careers first and push down their own aspirations in order to support us in ours. We’re confident that once they’re tethered to us legally and financially and with all those children, they’ll love it. How could they not? We’re great. We deserve to have the women we desire, and we deserve to get them without having to change anything about ourselves.
We’ll conclude by sharing the demented words of one particularly selfish woman who was asked out by one of us: “I might’ve agreed to go out with you if you weren’t being so pushy and weird about this… and now I’m starting to think that what you said about abortion wasn’t a joke, oh my god, don’t talk to me anymore.” Stupid bitch doesn’t even know what she’s missing.