Investigation of Catholic Church by Catholic Church finds no wrongdoing by Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis issued a statement Thursday deeming the sexual assault allegations against Quebec Cardinal Marc Ouellet as ‘insufficient grounds’ to launch a formal investigation. The…
Dog tied up outside of store for three minutes sets new world record for sadness
VANCOUVER — The look on the face of Tony, a young bulldog tied to a parking meter outside Denman Liquor, has set the Guinness World Record for sheer, profound, heart-wrenching sadness. “I don’t u…
Canada’s Aunties all pause mid-sentence, sniff the air, whisper “it’s happening”
TORONTO – Canadians from all walks of life reported strange events with older relatives yesterday, as the retail giant Hudson’s Bay announced its plans to relaunch the beloved department store br…
Five jokes only Canadians will get (because they’re all just lines from Corner Gas)
Dog River, SK – There are so many funny things about being Canadian, and most of them are jokes from the Gemini Award-winning sitcom Corner Gas. No one else around the world can understand the hi…
Ontario announces new “Self Serve” Emergency Rooms
QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario’s hospitals reporting emergency room closures and critical nursing shortages, Premier Doug Ford has announced a new relief plan allowing patients to diagnose the…
“Drag Queen story time is basically grooming” says guy with intricate knowledge of every Age of Consent law
EDMONTON – Local data analyst Rolly Crowne, who is well known for his exhaustive knowledge about the various age of consent laws in different states, provinces, and countries, recently note…
CTV apologizes for firing 58-year-old Lisa LaFlamme: “She should’ve been fired when she turned 50”
TORONTO – CTV and their owner Bell Media have expressed their deepest regrets over their recent decision to unceremoniously fire CTV National News anchor Lisa Laflamme, when clearly she sho…
Man who can’t afford to travel enters minute 25 of listening to friend’s airport horror story
TORONTO – Local man Eric Braiser is currently approaching the half-hour mark of politely listening to his friend Sarah talk about what a nightmare her recent flight out of Pearson was. R…
REPORT: Loneliness epidemic singled out, ostracized by other epidemics
RICHMOND, BC – As persistent loneliness continues to affect the health of billions, it remains unable to gain acceptance and inclusion from its epidemic peers. “I’ve been harming people’s well-be…
Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop
VANCOUVER – This week on Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside police began removing tents from the sidewalks, unless the individuals inside could show proof that the structure is actually a cannab…
