Jared Leto struggling to think of ways he could have made creepiness more evident
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a new BBC report accusing actor Jared Leto of sexually assaulting four women when they were underage, the film star has responded by questioning what further actio…
Shopify announces customers can use promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off all orders
TORONTO – In the wake of CEO Tobi Lutke endorsing an electoral system in which votes are allocated based on how much income tax you pay, e-commerce platform Shopify has announced that custo…
Edmonton plans separation referendum to separate from Alberta separation referendum
EDMONTON – With the October 19th Alberta Separation referendum approaching, residents of the provincial capital have announced that they will be holding their own referendum to separate the…
Boomers blame social media for setting unrealistic lawn standards
ST. CATHARINES — Canada’s Baby Boomers increasingly say social media is to blame for setting unrealistically high standards for their lawns. “Sometimes I’m on Facebook, enjoying posts about how T…
Tech CEOs warn Chinese AI could destroy the world faster than American AI can
SILICON VALLEY – American Tech CEOs issued a chilling warning that Chinese AI models have the potential to destroy the world more quickly and more cheaply than their American counterparts. …
Republicans insist Mitch McConnell resting comfortably following routine taxidermy procedure
WASHINGTON D.C. – GOP lawmakers are chastizing their Democratic colleagues, as well as members of the media, for inquiring about the 6 week disappearance of Sen. Mitch McConnell, insisting …
Neighbourhood kid who just learned to ride bike now logging 14-hour shift delivering Uber Eats
OAKVILLE, ON — Seven-year-old Ryan Driftwood has been making the most of his newfound love of riding his bicycle by “making bank” as a self-employed Uber Eats food courier. The second…
Trump threat to tariff Canada over wildfire smoke closest he will ever come to understanding climate change
WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump has threatened to tariff Canadian goods as a means of forcing Canadians to address circumstances that would cause future forest wildfires, a tactic …
Meteorologists confirm drizzle will not address bird shit situation
Brandon, MB – Local meteorologists confirmed today what residents already felt in their hearts: the light rain forecast for this weekend will do absolutely nothing to address the bird shit situat…
Cancelling of Billy Bishop expansion leaves Ford wondering if this is a bad time to tell Ontario he bought another private jet
QUEEN’S PARK – The Federal Government has announced it will not support a proposed expansion of Billy Bishop Airport, leaving Premier Doug Ford searching for the right moment to infor…
