Carney promises clean energy investment will almost make up for 1-2 days of new pipeline emissions
OTTAWA – After announcing the “largest clean energy investment in North American history” this week, PM Mark Carney advised that the environmental benefits of the 70 billion dol…
Trump throws himself military parade after bravely chickening out on Canadian tariffs
WASHINGTON D.C. – Hours after heroically declaring a pause on tariffs aimed at destroying the Canadian economy, President Trump has organized yet another military parade for himself to comm…
“My mind operates on a different level” theorizes friend who is just bad at communicating
BOLTON, ON ― Friends of local landscaper Riley Landry report that the 32-year-old has developed a new hypothesis that he is currently in the process of testing, which is that he is “simply on ano…
Researchers warn that Alberta separatists could be influenced by foreign agents, shiny objects
EDMONTON — Academics studying Alberta separatism are concerned that the province’s upcoming referendum could be swayed by other countries, or anything else capable of capturing the half-second at…
Amish iPad kid? This child is reading a book
OAKVILLE, ON – On Saturday at Coronation Park, onlookers were perplexed to see a small child quietly immersed in a device that wasn’t a phone or a tablet. “What is that?”…
Doug Ford celebrates bike lane court victory with public execution of local cycling group
QUEEN’S PARK – After the Ontario Court of Appeals overruled a lower court decision stopping Doug Ford from ripping out 19 kilometres of bike lanes in Toronto today, the Ontario premier cele…
Trump protects children from Epstein-class by ensuring none live long enough to be exploited
WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to criticism that his recent executive order on childhood vaccines is medically unsound, President Trump has argued that its motivation was preventing kids from being…
Zuckerberg did not hear boat’s distress call because he had conversation muted
ALASKA – Despite his super yacht being the nearest vessel to a small boat in trouble, Mark Zuckerberg revealed the simple reason he did not respond to the distress call was that he had mute…
Conservatives explain how they would get a trade deal done with Trump
Conservatives are increasing the pressure on Mark Carney to secure a trade deal with Trump, putting out an open letter demanding he stop making concessions and secure a tariff-free deal immediate…
Carney imposes 50% tariffs on U.S. for fake Canadian girlfriends
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s latest move in the ongoing trade war against the U.S. has been described as possibly his most aggressive, as he announced last week that his government…
