Decades of loyalty points collecting finally yields $5 discount
OTTAWA – History was made last Saturday when a customer’s quarter-century of dutiful loyalty card usage finally generated a bountiful return, a $5 discount. The dedicated shopper, T…
Robert K. Irving dies, to be buried in the Great Moncton Pyramid
MONCTON, NB – Following the passing of Robert K. Irving, the Irving family has announced that he shall be buried in New Brunswick’s tallest non-smokestack structure, the Great Moncton Pyram…
Alberta separatists vow to appeal petition denial as soon as US State Department tells them how
EDMONTON – Stay Free Alberta, the group behind the 300,000 person effort for Alberta Independence, have vowed to legally appeal a judge’s ruling striking down the validity of their pe…
Carney clarifies “Buy Canadian” also means public assets
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that “Buy Canadian” policies now means Canadians can now support the country’s economy by purchasing local public assets like ports, airpor…
Carney announces environment to be eliminated as cost-cutting measure
EDMONTON – In addition to his announcement lowering industrial carbon pricing specifically just for Alberta, Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled a plan to eliminate all of Canada’…
Local woman looking forward to 23 days between harsh winter and uncontrollable wildfires
GRAND PRAIRIE – With spring finally underway, 34-year-old resident Inna Bondaruk reports she is looking forward to enjoying the approximately 23 days of tolerable weather between the end of…
The Beaverton interviews an Alberta Separatist
Albertan separatists say they have the signatures necessary to force a referendum on the issue. We sat down with Keith Greengrass, a prominent advocate for an independent Alberta, to understand m…
Tech Bro loserdom forces nation to yearn for Finance Bros
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Admitting they “never thought it would come to this,” a rigorous poll of every American confirmed that the sustained humiliation of living under tech bro dominance has f…
Man exceeds email exclamation mark limit before 10am
EDMONTON, AB — Project manager Hank Johnson exceeded his personal email exclamation mark limit today before 10:00 a.m. local time. Johnson has grave concerns as to how he will get through the res…
Canadians wonder how close to Mother’s Day you can ask Mom for money
OTTAWA — With spring comes Mother’s Day, and with Mother’s Day comes planning. Where to take her for brunch? What kind of flowers to give her? And most importantly, how close to the big day is it…
