VANCOUVER – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced more than one billion dollars in federal funding to keep the ocean safe from the consequences of his own actions.
“As an Oxford-trained economist, you can trust me when I say $1.2 billion is a lot of money,” said Carney. “Is it substantially less than what we’re spending on the very pipeline this ocean needs protecting from? Yes. But I will promise you one thing: I’m never going to say that other number out loud.”
Carney signalled a clear understanding of the importance of ocean conservation, calling his efforts “a great way to feel less guilty about fast-tracking construction projects without adequate time to examine their environmental impacts.”
However, the PM insists he sees both sides of hot-button issues like saving adorable marine mammals. Carney lent a sympathetic ear to those concerned about how trivial matters, like protecting whales from oil spills could negatively affect Canada’s most important natural resource: the economy.
“This is a historic investment in the environment,” said Carney. “But rest assured, the West Coast pipeline will do far more damage than $1.2 billion worth of protections could possibly offset.”
Following the success of this announcement, the Prime Minister is already looking for other ways to go green. Carney has pledged to plant a tree every time he rolls back a clean energy initiative, and he will bring a liter-free lunch from home whenever he makes a new billion-dollar investment in AI data centres. He’s even going to ask every MP to pick up one piece of trash on Parliament Hill on the two-year anniversary of his directive to scrap the carbon tax.
“As we build, we protect,” said Carney. “You know, as long as the protecting doesn’t get in the way of the building.”
