CANADA – After beginning a trade war with Canada over its refusal to join the United States, Donald Trump this week said he expects Canada to come to him and say “sir, we are sorry,” for the breakdown of trade talks.
Apology experts say that would be an impossibility at this point, due to the fact that Donald Trump is now the only person, place, or thing on this planet that Canadians do not and will never feel the urge to apologize to.
“The research is conclusive at this point,” said Dr. Lida Sokolov, the head of the Apologetic Studies department at McGill University. “Canadians will say they’re sorry, in that particular Canadian pronunciation, to literally anything, but they won’t say it to Donald Trump.”
Dr. Sokolov has documented Canadians apologizing to people who bump into them, to animals, to bacteria, to inanimate objects composed of every element known to humanity (including all of the radioactive and synthetic elements), to platonic ideals, to nebulous concepts, and to the spacetime continuum itself, but she is unequivocal that Canadians will never apologize to Trump.
“I’ve theorized that Canadians can also apologize to extraterrestrial objects, but until a Canadian actually lands on the Moon and apologizes for disturbing some lunar dust, I have no direct evidence of that. But I can definitively state, based on my research, that if Donald Trump wants an apology from any Canadian, he’ll be waiting until he himself is dust. And he still won’t get it, if the Canadian in question is aware of the origin of the dust.”
Sokolov’s conclusion is backed up by the fact that every Canadian currently alive had a long, angry laugh when they heard that Trump is expecting an apology.
“I’m sorry, but fuck Trump,” said Torontonian Paul Kramer. “And to be clear, I’m not apologizing to Trump, I’m apologizing to anyone except Trump who might take offense at me saying ‘fuck.’ But yeah, I wouldn’t apologize to Trump for not pissing on him if he was on fire. And I wouldn’t even apologize to the firefighters who came to put him out!”
“Wait, no, I’m sorry. I would apologize to the firefighters. They’re just doing their jobs,” Kramer added.
At press time, Trump was ranting about how Canadians “act like they’re totally innocent” but are “very bad” and are being “taught a little lesson,” like the pedophile-coded villain in a straight-to-VHS movie from 1996.
