VANCOUVER – Students attending the Unholiday Dance at Our Lady of Infernal Evil’s Satanist School have just been reminded by a volunteer chaperone to “Leave space for Lucifer” while slow dancing...
Bagel Bites continue to outsell Bagel Chewed
Miami Florida- This morning the Kraft Heinz Corporation, who produce the beloved snack Bagel Bites announced that they will be discontinuing the deeply unpopular alternative, Bagel Chewed. Bagel Chew...
Hockey fans rip into Team Canada’s Olympic roster before sitting down to read it
KINGSTON, ON – Seconds after Hockey Canada announced its men’s Olympic roster, fans nationwide expressed outrage at the players they assumed were chosen. “From the moment I read ‘Canada announces’ I ...
Report: Three ghosts took Pierre Poilievre on spiritual journey through time to no effect
OTTAWA – Despite best efforts and an emotional journey through time and space, three ghosts visiting Official Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre failed to inspire him to change his ways through ...
Jeff Bezos puts hit out on “socialist” Santa Claus
North Pole, CA – After years of competition between the two Christmas lovers, Jeff Bezos has finally decided to end Santa Claus’ hold on Christmas by putting a hit out on Saint Nick after holida...
Canada names Mark Carney ‘2025 Man Of The Year Unless Anyone Better Comes Along’
“I know we’ve had many pictures of Mark Carney on our website… but I’m not entirely sure I could pick him out of a lineup.” Hit the bricks, you stupid year! Ian and the P...
Maximise your RRSP contribution by distracting your banker and then changing a bunch of numbers on their computer
TORONTO – As another tax season approaches, financial experts suggest that the best way to prepare for retirement is to sneak a bunch of new numbers into your bank’s database and hope for the best. “...
Editorial: All I wanted for Christmas is you hitting your performance goals
TORONTO – Hey, thanks for jumping on this call. I’m just going to go ahead and record, if that’s ok, thanks. I wanted to put this 1:1 in your calendar during the awkward three days between Chri...
Slinky tired of bending over backwards for your entertainment
CHICAGO, IL – Last Friday, after being pushed down an escalator and forced to perform for hours on end, Slinky reached its breaking point. “I’m tired of bending over backwards for yo...
Researchers discover rare breed of Canadian tuxedo cat
GUELPH, ON – The scientific community celebrated a groundbreaking discovery this week, with researchers uncovering the existence of a Canadian tuxedo cat. The feline in question, whom researchers have...
