BURLINGTON, ON – In what no one would describe as a remotely close fight, the vanilla-scented air freshener in the second-floor women’s bathroom of a local office building is accepting defeat. After t...
Sydney Sweeney getting very annoyed by endless stories about this Sydney Sweeney person
Los Angeles, CA – Actress Sydney Sweeney has reported that she is very tired of hearing stories about whoever this Sydney Sweeney person is. “I’ll be honest, I never watched Euphoria,” stated Sw...
Dictator frees Venezuela from dictator
CARACAS, VENEZUELA ― In a stunning shift after over a decade of dictatorial rule, the government of Venezuela fell this weekend to a new, slightly different dictator. Following his autocratic overthro...
Chrystia Freeland’s first act as Ukrainian economic advisor is suggesting they cancel Disney+
OTTAWA – After accepting a role as economic advisor to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Canadian MP Chrystia Freeland has begun by suggesting citizens of the war-ravaged country cancel t...
Canadian alcoholics reject Kentucky bourbon for getting drunk at work
OTTAWA – With millions returning to work after the holidays, Kentucky bourbon is out and Canadian spirits are in as the choice for Canada’s alcoholics who cannot help but drink on the job....
Michelin restaurant food poisoning offers 10-course vomit experience
Toronto ON – Michelin restaurant, Aluris 2090, is proudly serving a food poisoning experience that creates a 10-course vomit experience. Aluris 2090 was awarded its first Michelin Star this year...
Poilievre lights emergency flares to beg Trump to invade Canada
OTTAWA – Canadian Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre was reportedly seen lighting emergency flares, in hopes that U.S. President Donald Trump would “liberate” Canada in the same fash...
Mark Carney turns off geolocation on phone just in case
OTTAWA – This morning, in an unscheduled press statement, the Prime Minister’s Office has said that Prime Minister Mark Carney has turned off geolocation services for all his electronic de...
Grand piano just okay
WATERLOO, ON – A local allegedly grand piano has been revealed to just be fine. Owner Marsha Jameson made the discovery this past week after sitting down to play the instrument for her first time sinc...
Carney promises 2026 will see huge economic growth that will absolutely not include you
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada’s GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest. Desp...
