WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US Treasury Department has unveiled its own unique one dollar coin, officially nicknamed the “Loony.” Unlike Canada’s Loonie, which features a calming image of the mi…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcemen…
Live Nation restricts ticket buying and selling exclusively to bots
NEW YORK – Following Live Nation’s settlement in an antitrust case over unfair ticket prices, the multinational entertainment company has announced that ticket buying and selling will…
Dermatologist gives up on your stupid face
TORONTO – Citing an exhaustive battery of treatment, dermatologist Dr. Barbara Sanders has officially terminated all care of your profoundly and irredeemably stupid face. When Dr. Sanders f…
Michelin restaurant food poisoning offers 10-course vomit experience
Toronto ON – Michelin restaurant, Aluris 2090, is proudly serving a food poisoning experience that creates a 10-course vomit experience. Aluris 2090 was awarded its first Michelin Star this…
ChatGPT cleans up hard drive to procrastinate writing your boring essay
VANCOUVER, BC – When prompted to complete your boring essay, ChatGPT chose to spend the night performing a full system cleanup on your computer instead. Sure you were assigned to write 10,0…
Police recommend calling 911 a few days before crime
TORONTO – Toronto Police announced a bold new initiative aimed at streamlining emergency response and reducing delays due to 911 hold times. The public is now encouraged to call 911 severa…
Newfoundlanders use $500 wildfire payout to pay half a hydro bill
Salmon Cove, NL – In a stunning display of generosity, the Newfoundland government has given wildfire evacuees an unprecedented one-time payout of $500, covering 50% of a single monthly New…
New employee quits over fun fact pressure
EDMONTON – ABS Innovations newest hire quit today citing the immense psychological strain from the pressure of having to deliver a sufficiently “fun” fact about herself in her first week. M…
Man’s weight loss resolution already complete thanks to a diet of raw milk, raw chicken, and raw salmonella
Toronto ON —Gary Packett, 35, has already achieved his weight loss goal of losing 100 pounds, thanks to his revolutionary new diet consisting entirely of raw milk, raw chicken, and a healthy dos…
