OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that “Buy Canadian” policies now means Canadians can now support the country’s economy by purchasing local public assets like ports, airpor…
Local nerd disappointed he didn’t get the long form census
TATAMAGOUCHE, NS – An event five years in anticipation turned to bitter disappointment this week, as a local census dweeb did not receive the coveted long form questionnaire. Local insuffer…
Vancouver Scientology speedrunning event attacked by sprinting Tom Cruise
VANCOUVER – Explosions rocked Vancouver’s downtown core Saturday afternoon as dozens of TikTokers forced their way into the Church of Scientology, only to be repelled by the force of actor …
TV studios announce new series based on demands of show haters
LOS ANGELES – Citing audience demand, the major TV studios announced a slate of new television programs targeted at viewers who watch but ceaselessly complain about their shows. Executives …
Poilievre returns to his emotional support culture war
OTTAWA – A leading psychologist says a distressed Pierre Poilievre is regressing emotionally and seeking a safe space in the culture wars by celebrating the Olympics ban of Trans and Inters…
Analysis: Ayatollah’s death fails to deliver Trump his dead father’s approval
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the confirmed death of Iran Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei in U.S.-led airstrikes, observers question whether Iran’s allies will retaliate, and also wheth…
Nation returns to Heated Rivalry to watch Canadians get fucked in a good way
OTTAWA – Following a heartbreaking 2-1 loss to Team USA at the Winter Olympics, viewers nationwide started a rewatch of the hockey romance series, Heated Rivalry, in search of a more uplift…
Judge dismisses death penalty for Luigi Mangione citing “Too Sexy To Die” precedent
NEW YORK – A judge has ruled that U.S. Federal prosecutors cannot request the death penalty against Luigi Mangione in the killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, citing the defendan…
Legault resigns to spend more time privately hounding minorities
QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier François Legault announced his resignation today, explaining that he plans to bring his famed enthusiasm for attacking basic human rights to the private sector.…
Snowbirds struggle to find sun destination not being invaded by the US
Cornwall, Prince Edward Island – Terry and Linda Haddad say their annual New Year’s tradition of booking a sale on an all inclusive resort was hampered this year when they woke up to news t…
