Edmunston, NB – New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt says newly discovered alien teleportation technology is ending the province’s reputation as a place to just drive through on the way to other, better tourist destinations. At a news conference in Edmundston near the Quebec border, Holt unveiled a new Stargate that would allow tourists to teleport directly to Prince Edward Island.
“Tourists from across Canada drive to PEI, only to endure the tedium of endless identical spruce trees for scenery,” the premier said. “With the construction of this Einstein–Rosen bridge portal device, people will now have the option of driving directly to the Island, with its popular golf courses, top tier seafood, and red, sandy beaches and not have to spend one minute more in this province than they have to.”
The device was inspired by the one seen in the 1994 film Stargate, its television adaptation, Stargate SG-1, and its numerous spin-offs which take up most of the daytime schedule on CTV Sci-Fi and turned star Amanda Tapping into some kind of Canadian queen for nerds.Cars will pass through the Stargate’s arch near Edmundston and exit just outside the Cow’s Ice Cream in Borden where tourists can spend $100 for an ice cream cone and a souvenir t-shirt.
The device was engineered at St. Thomas University in Fredericton using the principles of physics that power Moncton’s Magnetic Hill and Saint John’s Reversing Falls, two tourist destinations as mysterious in the forces that power them as they are disappointing to tourists.
“I wanted St. Thomas University to be where we would engineer this device because of the challenge this school presents. Nobody who has ever studied at St. Thomas has left the province so I knew they would have a strong incentive to succeed.” Susan Holt said.
Holt was joined by Prince Edward Island Premier Rob Lantz who said his province has agreed to build the secondary Stargate on the Island.
“If this works out, we can close the Confederation Bridge which will also make it harder for New Brunswickers to drive to the Island so, you know, win-win,” Premier Lantz said.
“I admit there isn’t a lot here for the summer tourist,” Susan Holt told reporters. “The first thing you see as soon as you cross is a billboard for Irving gas stations telling you that the washrooms are clean. Like, that’s our unique selling point. While you’re disassociating on that stretch between Fredericton and Moncton, you know when you’re not going to find a crime scene when you have to poop.”
“This Stargate will allow drivers to cut hours off their travel time, save money, and avoid passing through a place where the most interesting thing to happen is that you might hit a moose,” Holt said.
The province will study the impact of the Stargate before constructing another to allow instant access to Nova Scotia, which Holt calls, “New Brunswick for snobs. Like they’re the only province with a lighthouse on the ocean.”
Like the Confederation Bridge, the premier says the Stargate will charge a toll but is confident drivers will pay it.
“When they get to the Quebec border and they realize just how far they still have to go, they will pay that premium to avoid the perdition of driving through this place,” Holt said.
Holt says the toll will be entirely put toward NB Power’s $6.6 billion debt which the toll is projected to eliminate by 2028.
