CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick. “They’re discriminating against …
BREAKING: Greece legalizes Greek food
ATHENS, GREECE – The government of Greece has proudly announced that they have legalized the country’s long-standing tradition of eating Greek cuisine. “Is it possible people were doing this in G…
Checked luggage takes year off to travel
WARSAW, POLAND – A piece of checked luggage on a recent domestic Canadian flight has decided to take the year off to travel. “Ever since I came out of the closet last week, I’ve felt this urge to…
Local cat discovers he’s adopted
Surrey, BC – Señor Peanut Justinian Handsome Pants the Great, a local orange tabby cat, just found out he was adopted. “I’m just devastated,” says Peanut, wiping away either a tear or a particula…
Aunt Ruth regifts you COVID infection you gave her last year
CALGARY – Reports indicate that Aunt Ruth has decided to get into the festive spirit this Christmas by regifting you the COVID infection you gave her last year. “Normally, I’m not a fan of regift…
Local man goes outside to try to get better signal for weather app
GUELPH, ON – With the WeatherNetwork app down across the nation, a local man has bravely stepped outside to see if he can get a better signal. “How am I supposed to go out if I don’t know what th…
Parents shocked to discover house they have lived in for twenty years has heating
BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating. “It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says ma…
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
We’ve all been there. That woman you took one-and-a-half courses with in college slides into your DMs after over a decade of silence with a message starting with “hey girlie!” Now that COVID’s “o…
Indigo website down, book lovers forced to read books they already own
NATIONWIDE — Following a cyber attack that left the Indigo website inaccessible, book lovers across the country have been forced to turn to the many, many books they already own. “I’m at such a l…
5 ways to thank your food delivery guy that say “please don’t murder me I don’t want to die alone on Valentine’s Day”
Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix…