GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&…
Local vegan confesses she can also tell food is vegan
COURTENAY, BC – A local vegan has confessed that she, too, can tell her food is vegan. Chelsea Forsythe made the shocking confession after a near decade of vigilant veganism, during which she has…
DUMB WEEK: ABBA reunion delayed due to highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant
SWEDEN – The long-awaited reunion of Swedish supergroup ABBA has been delayed due to the latest iteration of the novel coronavirus, the highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant. ABBA reunited in 2022…
How to go through the five stages of grief before meeting up with your friend who didn’t cancel
There is literally nothing better than cancelling plans. Seriously. If you look up the word “orgasm” in the dictionary, it’s just a picture of someone texting, “Sorry, can we reschedule?” Unfortu…
Engineer who graduated ten years ago discovers traces of purple paint behind ear
TORONTO – An engineer who graduated a full decade ago has discovered he still has a bit of purple paint behind his ear. Cole Sterling was just a bright-eyed and moderately drunk engineering stude…
REPORT: toe beans an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE
GUELPH, ON – Researchers at the Ontario Veterinary College have published a paper containing a groundbreaking discovery: toe beans are an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE. The researchers made…
Two-year pandemic officially longest relationship of woman’s life
Mississauga, ON – This week marks a major milestone in local woman Caitlyn Donahue’s life, as she celebrates two years of the COVID-19 pandemic – A.K.A. the longest relationship of her life. “I w…
OP-ED: Big Pharma put all of the chips in the vaccines and now I can’t get a PS5
Written by: Joel Overbeck Look. I’m a simple guy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. All I need is a roof over my head, a generic live-in female to cater to my every whim, and an $800 super-c…
Vaccine Hunters Canada pivots to searching for PS5s
NATIONWIDE – Canadian heroes Vaccine Hunters Canada have changed their twitter mission, this time in search of PlayStation 5s. “Vaccine Hunters Canada was born out of an urgent need to provide Ca…
Woman told to go fuck herself would, in fact, rather be fucking herself
VICTORIA, BC – A woman recently told to go fuck herself has revealed that she would, in fact, rather be fucking herself. Kat Gagnon, 34, was just going about her regular day as a customer service…