VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis has described people’s decisions to have pets instead of children as “selfish”, during a recent general audience in the opulent cathedral-like palace of which he…
Religion
Poll finds 87% of Heaven’s residents get tired of eternal bliss within the first thousand years
HEAVEN ― A recent survey of over 10 million residents of Christian Heaven has revealed that a large majority become “somewhat” or “very” unhappy during their first millennium. “Once you’ve finish…
Local Satanist worried his church is only second most evil
BARRIE, ON – After reading about the latest controversy surrounding the Catholic church, devout Satanist Damien Winslow is conflicted on whether or not his faith is doing enough of the devi…
Time-travelling Bible author horrified to discover people took his fantasy novel literally
MORRIS, MB ― A disruption occurred at a local library last week, caused by a man who claimed to be the author of the Book of Genesis. Patrons of the library reported discovering him poring over a…
Catholic church asked to keep in mind the good arson has done
KAMLOOPS – Reeling from a series of suspicious fires across British Columbia, the Catholic Church was reminded of the good that arson has also done. “While it is possible to use fire to sys…
Dead whale really ruining the experience of being carried across beach by God
NANAIMO, BC – According to local sources, the rotting carcass of a beached grey whale has complicated Becky Shelton’s profound spiritual crisis. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that God is here to c…
Local Jewish family concerned whether Chinese restaurants will be open for Christmas
THORNHILL, ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week, a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic’s potential impact on one of Judaism’s most cherished Christmas customs…
Super Soaker wielding Priest just baptized the shit out of this kid
Goderich, ON — Since the COVID outbreak, the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing, arming their priests with holy water-guns, shooting from the hip to bring young children into the…
Children forced to sit through online church service can’t even fantasize about going home
THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service, children Max, Ashley, and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finish…
God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue
HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sor…