CANADA – With most, but not all of Western Canada no longer setting the clocks back in autumn, and most, but not all, of Eastern Canada switching this morning to standard time, everyone everywhere in the country is deeply confused as to what time it is everywhere else in the country.
“I know what time it is where I am,” said Vancouverite Helen Pine. “My phone doesn’t know what time it is, because some devices haven’t been updated to our new time zone, but thankfully my microwave knows what time it is, so I’m good.”
“But my mother lives in Nova Scotia. I think it might still be October there? Or possibly next week? I’m not sure. I’m worried that calling her to ask will break the spacetime continuum.”
Since 2020, Saskatchewan has been on permanent daylight saving time, and Yukon has been on permanent standard time, but no one elsewhere in the country has ever wanted to know what time it was in either of these places, so it didn’t cause any confusion. However, British Columbia, Alberta, Manitoba, and the Northwest Territories all switching to permanent daylight saving time this year has thrown the chronological balance of the entire country off kilter.
“I don’t know what those people in the west were thinking, not changing their clocks with the seasons anymore,” said Ontarian Esteban Ortiz. “Or the people up north. Or the people in the east? I don’t know where these people are. I don’t know when they are. I don’t know if they’re even people anymore.”
“While there might be some initial confusion caused by switching to a year-round time, changing the clocks twice a year has been known to cause needless health issues,” said Dr. Blair Arnold, the physician and entomologist who leads the University of Calgary’s Faculty of Circadian and Cicadian Rhythms.
“All of the studies agree, it would be better for the general well-being of the population for everyone to be on standard time year-round. But all of the politicians wanted to be able to get in a golf game after work, so here we are instead.”
“I say, ignore the clocks and the false human concept of hours and minutes and simply emerge into the sunlight whenever it feels right to you. It works for cicadas.”
At press time, Newfoundland was still separated from the rest of the Earth by half an hour, but the island’s scientists were confident that thanks to their newly developed time decompression technology, outsiders would finally be able to visit without suffering the time bends.
